Two Cold Feet....A Hundred Teary Eyes

Life is full of uncertainties; the worst being its end. What exists today may tomorrow be a thing of the past. Combine that with the human affinity for procrastination - especially when it comes to expressing your love or gratitude for someone - and the results would be nothing less than sheer regret.

One fine morning a beloved someone leaves as per his/her routine and instead of him/her coming back as scheduled, you receive the grim news of his/her demise. Or maybe, in the middle of the night you are woken up from deep slumber just to be told that a dear relative is no more. Alternately, you wait for the dear one at the airport only to realize that their body and soul were on flights to different destinations. Whatever the situation in which the news arrive, the outcome is the same. Suddenly your world comes to a stand-still. The conscious mind gives in to its subconscious  counterpart. Immediately upon taking over, the subconscious mind takes you through cycles of visuals from the past and of the future. Half nostalgic, half hysteric one juggles between responsibilities and emotions.

Directly or indirectly, I have witnessed such unfortunate situations many a times. I have always wondered what must be going through the minds of those at loss, until I lost someone close enough to find the answer. For the not-so-strong hearted, the thoughts are usually revolving around the memories of the gone while for the strong  hearted, the brains are already working on deciding the future course of actions. (They say you can never make up for the losses. True, but then you can’t even sit grieving for the loss because grief only brings more sorrow.) Whether you are the strong hearted or the not so strong hearted, there is one feeling that you just cannot overcome – the feeling of regret.

There is always a moment when those at a loss wonder, hope and pray that the deceased would have stayed on for a little longer. ‘I wish he would stayed until the so-and-so’s function at least’; ‘I wish he would have seen his new house before he went’ - we all have heard such statements being made at funerals. But what remains unsaid, and to my mind what is the most important, is that regret of not having expressed enough to the deceased. The desire to or even the actual actions of expressing one’s love and gratitude towards the deceased is the most painful sight to see. ‘Why did you leave me alone, what will I do with out you, please take me along’ – such statements have always broken me down. I have always pondered over the possibility of the cold lifeless body coming back to life and giving a warm consoling hug to the ones at loss – just for a moment. There would be so much to say…………….the heart would be so much lighter……..for I think its not just loss but sudden loss that makes the process so much more painful.

||सौ ख़त लिखे हैं तुम्हे,

पर लिफाफे पे लिखने को पता नहीं;

हर पल धुन्धती हैं नज़रें तुम्हें,

पर तुम्हारे तो साए भी नहीं दीखते कहीं;

तुम्हारी यादों में भीग जाती हैं पलकें,

पर इन आसुओंको रोकने वाला ही नहीं||

- Tejas Gutka

Yaari Dosti aur phir Zindagi.....

Humans are one of most social animals on this planet. Whatever we do, wherever we go, we seek company. The innate desire to have someone witness each moment of our life - be it happiness, sorrow, triumph or failure - leads us to coexistence. Right from preschool to the hospital bed, we never fail to identify with like-minds and create that 'special' bond. Sadly, not all that is 'special' lasts long.

School friends...by the time you graduate, half of them are lost. Some because you cant connect to them, and some coz they are growing their mustache in some other nation. People you meet while you are finishing college (graduation/post-graduation), hmm , well you hang on to them for a while. But then, theres work that keeps you occupied and ofcourse there soon is a family to build and look after. So best friends soon become people whom you party with on birthdays and anniversaries, or have a drink with each time you have fought with your spouse. With time, most of them are also lost in transit, only a few remain (with whose spouse your spouse can manage to have a conversation).

And ofcourse, there are some we find at work. But then, either you or they change their jobs..and shoowsh..the names are tucked away slowly into memory. Really sad, we spend so much time building relationships that we would care so little about in the future. Wouldnt it be better to have a few and hold on to them for a lifetime....or is it that you play safe by having many so that even if you lose some on the way, you dont find yourself walking alone??

Dunno whats the public opinion on this, but I surely would love to have a few good and long lasting relationships (friends i mean). And I wouldnt say I have been hundred percent successful with that formula of mine; there are a few that I wish would have stayed till date.....for them...this is something I found on the web..

WE ONCE WERE ONE by Manda

The day that we first met,
in my mind I still see,
you sitting in the lunch room, looking for some company.
I alone myself, sat down with you that day,
neither of us knowing what the hell to say.
But we got through the awkward times, and quickly came to be,
the best of friends to eachother, we could ever be.
The closer we grew, the more we left, the other world behind,
just me and you we jumped into a new place totally blind.
We prayed together our friendship forever, and always would stay the same,
but time has passed, only memories last, and little friendship remains.
WE ONCE WERE ONE! I screamed at you, I want my best friend back!
But we both realized at once it was that bond we lacked.
You think it doesn't hurt me, to see us back to two, looking to my left and right to see there is no you.
But we both are moving on now, lets do it gracefully, I hope our friendship still lives on in you memory.

I carry your heart with me

Saw this movie called “In her shoes” yesterday. The movie is about the life of two sisters, both single and living by themselves. While one is successful but not beautiful enough to find herself a boyfriend, the other is beautiful enough to drag any guy to bed but not successful enough to afford herself a living. The movie narrated the life of these two sisters as they traverse through their good and bad times. Not exactly one of my favorite movies, but a definite entertainer on a lazy Sunday morning.

Anyways, the reason I write about this movie is that towards the end of the movie, there is a recital of a beautiful poem by E. E. Cummins called “I carry your heart with me”. Not often does one come across such a lovely expression of feelings using some simple words. So I thought maybe I should reproduce it here. This is how it goes:

I carry your heart with me; I carry it in my heart

I am never without it; anywhere I go you go, my dear

And whatever is done by only me; is your doing, my darling

I fear no fate; for you are my fate, my sweet

I want no world; for beautiful you are my world, my true

And you are whatever a moon has always meant

And whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows

Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

And the sky of the sky of a tree called life;

Which grows higher than the soul can hope or the mind can hide

And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart; I carry it in my heart

-E. E. Cummings