Two Cold Feet....A Hundred Teary Eyes

Life is full of uncertainties; the worst being its end. What exists today may tomorrow be a thing of the past. Combine that with the human affinity for procrastination - especially when it comes to expressing your love or gratitude for someone - and the results would be nothing less than sheer regret.

One fine morning a beloved someone leaves as per his/her routine and instead of him/her coming back as scheduled, you receive the grim news of his/her demise. Or maybe, in the middle of the night you are woken up from deep slumber just to be told that a dear relative is no more. Alternately, you wait for the dear one at the airport only to realize that their body and soul were on flights to different destinations. Whatever the situation in which the news arrive, the outcome is the same. Suddenly your world comes to a stand-still. The conscious mind gives in to its subconscious  counterpart. Immediately upon taking over, the subconscious mind takes you through cycles of visuals from the past and of the future. Half nostalgic, half hysteric one juggles between responsibilities and emotions.

Directly or indirectly, I have witnessed such unfortunate situations many a times. I have always wondered what must be going through the minds of those at loss, until I lost someone close enough to find the answer. For the not-so-strong hearted, the thoughts are usually revolving around the memories of the gone while for the strong  hearted, the brains are already working on deciding the future course of actions. (They say you can never make up for the losses. True, but then you can’t even sit grieving for the loss because grief only brings more sorrow.) Whether you are the strong hearted or the not so strong hearted, there is one feeling that you just cannot overcome – the feeling of regret.

There is always a moment when those at a loss wonder, hope and pray that the deceased would have stayed on for a little longer. ‘I wish he would stayed until the so-and-so’s function at least’; ‘I wish he would have seen his new house before he went’ - we all have heard such statements being made at funerals. But what remains unsaid, and to my mind what is the most important, is that regret of not having expressed enough to the deceased. The desire to or even the actual actions of expressing one’s love and gratitude towards the deceased is the most painful sight to see. ‘Why did you leave me alone, what will I do with out you, please take me along’ – such statements have always broken me down. I have always pondered over the possibility of the cold lifeless body coming back to life and giving a warm consoling hug to the ones at loss – just for a moment. There would be so much to say…………….the heart would be so much lighter……..for I think its not just loss but sudden loss that makes the process so much more painful.

||सौ ख़त लिखे हैं तुम्हे,

पर लिफाफे पे लिखने को पता नहीं;

हर पल धुन्धती हैं नज़रें तुम्हें,

पर तुम्हारे तो साए भी नहीं दीखते कहीं;

तुम्हारी यादों में भीग जाती हैं पलकें,

पर इन आसुओंको रोकने वाला ही नहीं||

- Tejas Gutka